Cannot decide...

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Emolly
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:21 pm

Cannot decide...

#1 Post by Emolly » Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:02 am

When you want something so badly but know you have only a 5% chance of success or rather, 95% of failure, do you still go ahead?
I'm a singleton at 44 who has been advised by the doctor that iVf carries 5% success. My AMH is low and reflective of my age.
To carry a £7-8k cost for something that is likely to fail do I have to say it's not for me?
I don't want to consider donor eggs as I'm on my own and I would rather adopt.
Will I always regret not trying even though it's probable I won't succeed anyway?
A few years ago at 42 I got pregnant by accident (happened on one occasion and boom!) but miscarried. The chances then of getting pregnant were slim but it happened.
Would love to hear people's thoughts on what I should do or other single women my age who has went through this decision process.
All the best to all you ladies trying xx

Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

Re: Cannot decide...

#2 Post by Tally30 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 2:14 pm

Hi Emolly
I’m going through the exact same thought process currently. In fact I’m struggling with all the decisions.
I’m 41 and looking to go it alone. But as a qualified accountant, my brain is trained to evaluate risk and figures in such a way that I’m struggling to decide whether I put myself into long term debt for something is highly unlikely to work.
I think with something like this, we need to let the heart rule.
Ask yourself if you don’t give it a shot, will it forever be a regret and a “what if”.
Sometimes it’s better to try and fail than regret never trying at all.
Happy to chat more if it will help :))

Emolly
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:21 pm

Re: Cannot decide...

#3 Post by Emolly » Fri Jan 18, 2019 1:08 am

Hiya. Thanks for your reply and funnily enough I'm in the same profession so stats and probability mean a lot to me too!!
All of my life I've got carried away with my heart to let my head rule at the end of the day.
What you say is exactly what I'm asking myself and I still don't know!! Will I regret not trying?
Yes it's better to try and fail but why try when you don't have a chance in hell?!
I read through a lot of the forum last night and everyone my age tend to go through the donor egg route. For me there is no point having donor eggs and donor sperm!
It's also different when you're on your own and the thought of having a child is even more daunting.
Are you going to give it a go? Xx

Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

Re: Cannot decide...

#4 Post by Tally30 » Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:15 am

Hi Emolly,
I’m the same, I’ve been reading through the forum and it does seem that many women have used donor eggs.
That is not something I will ever consider.
I see no point in going through pregnancy and labour with a child that has come from 2 donors. Personally, I would rather adopt (which I’m also not considering).
Where did the 5% chance of success come from? Was he talking in general or specifically about you? I hope you don’t mind me asking.
I have a low AMH (4.2) but everything else is all in order and my doctor didn’t give me such scary %s.
Have you been put on DHEA and folic acid by your fertility doctor?
If I’m reading between the lines of your post, I’d say that your head has already made a decision. But the fact you’re reaching out means your heart still wants a say.
Maybe it’s time to let your heart rule on this one and not let your head step in?
I think I’m going to go for it. I need to decide this weekend really as I’m having some time off work. So it’s ideal timing to progress with treatment. If it doesn’t work, I know I’ll have a big pile of debt. But I know people who gave 4 or more years of their life to cheating sewer rats and have come out of the relationship in debt, no children (after promises to have them) and years of money spent on something that was ultimately a waste of time. I think we’re in a far better position than that!
I’m trying to see it that I spent 5k on holidays last year and the year before. If I sacarfice 2 years of travelling places, I will either pay off a debt of trying for something very important or I won’t be able to travel anyway (as I have a mini me that would need to tag along).
I have strict boundaries with this whole process. I know I’m not willing to use donor eggs and I know I won’t continue with cycles for years. I’ve read about women spending over 30k. As a single, I can’t afford to anyway.
I think you have strict boundaries too. Maybe it’s worth that shot knowing you won’t let your heart carry on and on and on with false hope?
Happy to carry on chatting x

Emolly
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:21 pm

Re: Cannot decide...

#5 Post by Emolly » Fri Jan 18, 2019 8:50 pm

Hi there
If I were you I'd go for it as your stats sound much better.
I totally agree on all you say about donor eggs. Not an option for single ladies really.
I'm 3 years older and stats are normally 5-10% for 44 year olds. I have an AMH of 1.6 and so I'd probably get 3 eggs at most to extract.
I had also previously spoken to a foreign clinic in Finland and she had put my chances at 2%.
Thanks for your advice. You seem to have summed it up perfectly. Over the last few days I've tried to reason with the fact I'll never be a mum. Something I never wanted When I was in my twenties or thirties.
Not sure about leaving my telephone number on this but happy to chat with you too. Xxx

Dons 1975
Posts: 37
Joined: Wed Mar 20, 2019 8:22 pm

Re: Cannot decide...

#6 Post by Dons 1975 » Wed Apr 10, 2019 5:19 pm

Hi ladies. Wanted to post a reply as im just looking at posts.
Im 43. Successful IVF using own egg when i was 38. Im now starting again at 43. Using oen eggs. Just had egg collection today and got 4 eggs. We waiting in more news tomorrow on quality and if fertilised. We got a low rate loan and decided to just go for it as the not know if but seemed worse for us. However, i wouldnt do egg donor myself now because im very lucky to have had successful ivf in 2014. But the experience of feeling the pregancy, growing, kicking, labour and the whole internal feelings you get from carrying your unborn baby is so emotional! So with a donor egg youll get all those lovely benefits.
2014 IVF ICSI. 1 egg transfer 5 day blast. Son born Nov 2014!
March 2019 starting again!!.....here we go! :D

Carpediem
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2016 3:09 pm

Re: Cannot decide...

#7 Post by Carpediem » Thu Apr 25, 2019 6:41 pm

Hello Emolly

I have struggled with whether to post this reply, but of course you can feel free to ignore it. I am 44. My husband and I have been going to the clinic for 4 years now and have spent £50k. We had three rounds of IVF using my own eggs having been told that our chances were between 5 and 10%. I can't remember now what my AMH was but it was not unusual for my age. We then moved on to donor eggs which failed with two transfers. We are now on what really must be our last cycle with donor eggs from a new donor with the add on of PGS - only two embryos 'passed the test' of PGS and I am having the scratch next week.

I don't really know what I am trying to tell you by writing this - perhaps that is is very easy to get sucked in to trying again and again. We do not have any children and we had one natural pregnancy which ended in miscarriage and started this whole ball rolling. The feeling we had when we were pregnant is something which has stayed with us and we so want to have again.

I don't know if this has been any use to you but best of luck with your decision making

Xx

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