How can I help my husband after our miscarriage?

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Longshot13
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Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2020 10:13 am

How can I help my husband after our miscarriage?

#1 Post by Longshot13 » Fri Jul 16, 2021 12:15 am

Sorry I’ve just realised how long this post is- if you make it to the end thank you 😊

Brief history- I have pcos and type 2 diabetes. We knew it was a long short trying to have a baby, we finally had some luck in 2018 when we got a referral to an amazing local Dr and began our IVF journey in Feb 2020. It wasn’t as straight forward as we thought, mainly due to covid, but we had our amazing BFP on 09.06.21. It still wasn’t straight forward, I had no symptoms and I bleed off and on. We had a scan at 6weeks 4 days and were delighted there was a heart beat, but it was too small to measure. A week later, after lots of bleeding we had another scan at the EPU, exciting news again as the heartbeat was strong and the baby was measuring 7-8weeks. 10 days later, final scan at the IVF clinic, the baby was only measuring 7weeks5 days (when it should have been 9weeks 1day).

Getting to the point- my husband could see the scan screen, he had seen a few by then and before the dr scanning said anything he was wiping tears from his eye. We were given the horrible news, and told we needed to go to the EPU for them to confirm- although they couldn’t fit us in until the next day.
We both went home, my husband spent most of that day in bed crying.

He is someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, but since then he hasn’t really shown much emotion. We went to the EPU the next day, they confirmed the news. They went through the different options and said we could think about it and make a decision at a later date. We had already decided we wanted to try and make some happy memories, so we spend the day together in Southport.
After a brief discussion we agreed I would have the op to remove the baby, I couldn’t bare to think about our poor little bean stuck any longer.
I phoned the EPU the next day and got an appointment for that afternoon. Husband was at work so couldn’t be with me, but he was allowed to visit after work. This was yesterday (Wednesday).

Today we spoke about the baby, like we have done every day. I bought a charm for my bracelet which arrived today, so we discussed if he wanted to do something to help remember (not that he will ever forget), but he didn’t want too.
Later, when we were getting into bed, I was showing him a memory box I had found and wanted to get (again something we had discussed and agreed on), I said he can put anything he wants in it, he could write a letter to the baby (something the bereavement leaflets recommended), he was fine chatting away. But then he went really quiet and said he was tired, he rolled over to face away and started to cry . When I tried to comfort him he pushed me off.

I know it’s all still very fresh/ raw as we are only on day 5 after the bad news, but I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him too much in talking about it a lot? I know everyone deals with grief differently, Neither of us have ever been through anything like this before- But I just wondered if anyone had any help or advice on how their partners coped with the grief?? I hate to think of him not able to talk to me, I tell him everything! I just want to help him and I’ll do whatever it is to do that. I feel more lost, to see him struggle!

Just to add, his twin sister is currently pregnant (with twins) who are due in jan, which was a month before our baby would have been due. His sister is one of the few people who knew we were expecting and he really loves being able to share the experience with her- as odd as that might sound.

Thank you for getting to the end- if you think you can offer even one bit of help/advice on how to support a partner I would really appreciate it. And sorry again for the super long post!
#1 Dec 20/ May 21: long journey but BFP 09.06.21 ❄️🥰🥳😱🥺
Our little beans heart stop beating at 7 weeks 5 days 😢😢 (found out at a scan 9weeks 1 day) it’s been pretty poo since!
#2 just waiting for a start date....

Givingitatry
Posts: 1667
Joined: Sat Oct 31, 2020 6:08 pm

Re: How can I help my husband after our miscarriage?

#2 Post by Givingitatry » Fri Jul 16, 2021 9:33 am

Longshot13 wrote:
Fri Jul 16, 2021 12:15 am
Sorry I’ve just realised how long this post is- if you make it to the end thank you 😊

Brief history- I have pcos and type 2 diabetes. We knew it was a long short trying to have a baby, we finally had some luck in 2018 when we got a referral to an amazing local Dr and began our IVF journey in Feb 2020. It wasn’t as straight forward as we thought, mainly due to covid, but we had our amazing BFP on 09.06.21. It still wasn’t straight forward, I had no symptoms and I bleed off and on. We had a scan at 6weeks 4 days and were delighted there was a heart beat, but it was too small to measure. A week later, after lots of bleeding we had another scan at the EPU, exciting news again as the heartbeat was strong and the baby was measuring 7-8weeks. 10 days later, final scan at the IVF clinic, the baby was only measuring 7weeks5 days (when it should have been 9weeks 1day).

Getting to the point- my husband could see the scan screen, he had seen a few by then and before the dr scanning said anything he was wiping tears from his eye. We were given the horrible news, and told we needed to go to the EPU for them to confirm- although they couldn’t fit us in until the next day.
We both went home, my husband spent most of that day in bed crying.

He is someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, but since then he hasn’t really shown much emotion. We went to the EPU the next day, they confirmed the news. They went through the different options and said we could think about it and make a decision at a later date. We had already decided we wanted to try and make some happy memories, so we spend the day together in Southport.
After a brief discussion we agreed I would have the op to remove the baby, I couldn’t bare to think about our poor little bean stuck any longer.
I phoned the EPU the next day and got an appointment for that afternoon. Husband was at work so couldn’t be with me, but he was allowed to visit after work. This was yesterday (Wednesday).

Today we spoke about the baby, like we have done every day. I bought a charm for my bracelet which arrived today, so we discussed if he wanted to do something to help remember (not that he will ever forget), but he didn’t want too.
Later, when we were getting into bed, I was showing him a memory box I had found and wanted to get (again something we had discussed and agreed on), I said he can put anything he wants in it, he could write a letter to the baby (something the bereavement leaflets recommended), he was fine chatting away. But then he went really quiet and said he was tired, he rolled over to face away and started to cry . When I tried to comfort him he pushed me off.

I know it’s all still very fresh/ raw as we are only on day 5 after the bad news, but I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him too much in talking about it a lot? I know everyone deals with grief differently, Neither of us have ever been through anything like this before- But I just wondered if anyone had any help or advice on how their partners coped with the grief?? I hate to think of him not able to talk to me, I tell him everything! I just want to help him and I’ll do whatever it is to do that. I feel more lost, to see him struggle!

Just to add, his twin sister is currently pregnant (with twins) who are due in jan, which was a month before our baby would have been due. His sister is one of the few people who knew we were expecting and he really loves being able to share the experience with her- as odd as that might sound.

Thank you for getting to the end- if you think you can offer even one bit of help/advice on how to support a partner I would really appreciate it. And sorry again for the super long post!
Hi Longshot

First to say I am so sorry for your loss 😔 you’ve both been through something very difficult and as you say you are at the start of dealing with your news. I’m no expert on your situation and how men cope (mine is more of a can’t change it move on type which I must say isn’t easy either) but I have a lot of experience with grief. I also happen to have a friend that’s a twin so thought I’d share a perspective on that too.

On the grief side, it is very early and it’s possible he’s transitioning from shock / numb / disbelief and into anger. This is normal and a necessary stage to grieve healthily but appreciate him pushing you off him will have hurt you and worried you. He may not know how he feels in a way ie battling the feelings as you’ve both lost something but you say it’s quite new to you having not been through this before. You can feel in a strange form of limbo sadly as you lost something that you hadn’t physically felt and means some are not sure how to display their emotions or how to get through the pain. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, want to be there for you etc, he’s just processing things, working through his grief and it is early days.

I definitely wouldn’t question if you’ve done things right so please put that out of your mind. You are two halves of a couple and you’re allowed to grieve the way you need to as well. It’s often harder for the lady as you have hormones and physical effects on top of it all so make sure you take care of yourself and have the support you need around you as well. That doesn’t mean it only needs to be your husband by the way. Not that you shut him out (!) but you may find someone else is better at comforting you right now so lean on them if you need to. You’ll get back to a supportive and communicative relationship between you I’m sure but everyone copes with grief on a different lifeline and having someone for you to talk to about everything, including concerns about your husband, may be important for you too. It’s the plane analogy, have to help yourself before you can help others 😉

Have you had a chance to ask him how he’s feeling now and if there is anything he wants to do or if he wants/needs anything from you right now? It’s good you have suggestions that you’re putting to him from previous chats but he may not be ready to actually do any of them as it means this is all really happening and symbolises the end. It doesn’t mean you can’t buy the memory box etc as it can be as much for you as him. He can then add to it if he wants to at a later stage. Is he talking to anyone else about this eg his twin? It’s hard if we aren’t the one they are talking to but it’s most important he has his support network and you have yours. You can then still talk daily or however often you want to but it takes the pressure off each of you in a way. It’s possible a professional counsellor could also help - assuming you’re with Care they should offer that free or charge (think you get 3 sessions?).

So I’d say focus on asking him what he needs and being led by that. Time reduces the rawness and he may also have just had a bad day and had enough too vs it being a trend.

Now to give a perspective on being a twin. My friend is a twin (boy girl too) and her brother was getting married, having kids etc and she really struggled throughout those stages. They’ve spent their whole lives together at exactly the same life stage and when life starts to move in a different direction, that can be really hard for the twin that’s ‘standing still’ too. I just thought I’d share that as with any sadness there can be different factors. This may not be something that is impacting him but as it was such a difficult thing for my friend, I thought it worth mentioning too. Also doesn’t help if they’re a competitive set of twins I might add ie if they compare each other a lot.

I’m not sure if any of this resonates but when you’re having a difficult time, I think sometimes just having someone reply can lift the spirits. Am sending lots of hugs to you as you come to terms with your loss, it was very cruel but you will come out the other side x

Ps the charm for your bracelet is a lovely idea. I have a little pewter acorn in a round pewter box with a heart on the top. I only had a biochemical but it hit me like a ton of bricks and still working through my feelings x
Oct 20 ICSI fresh (long): 2xday 5s - BFN
Feb 21 L1/2 tests: abnormal clotting, NK, T cells
Apr 21 Immune FET (long) 2xday 5s - BFP chemical
Aug 21 Immune FET (short) 2xday 5s - BFP ❤️ EDD 12/5/22

Longshot13
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2020 10:13 am

Re: How can I help my husband after our miscarriage?

#3 Post by Longshot13 » Fri Jul 16, 2021 5:57 pm

Givingitatry wrote:
Fri Jul 16, 2021 9:33 am
Longshot13 wrote:
Fri Jul 16, 2021 12:15 am
Sorry I’ve just realised how long this post is- if you make it to the end thank you 😊

Brief history- I have pcos and type 2 diabetes. We knew it was a long short trying to have a baby, we finally had some luck in 2018 when we got a referral to an amazing local Dr and began our IVF journey in Feb 2020. It wasn’t as straight forward as we thought, mainly due to covid, but we had our amazing BFP on 09.06.21. It still wasn’t straight forward, I had no symptoms and I bleed off and on. We had a scan at 6weeks 4 days and were delighted there was a heart beat, but it was too small to measure. A week later, after lots of bleeding we had another scan at the EPU, exciting news again as the heartbeat was strong and the baby was measuring 7-8weeks. 10 days later, final scan at the IVF clinic, the baby was only measuring 7weeks5 days (when it should have been 9weeks 1day).

Getting to the point- my husband could see the scan screen, he had seen a few by then and before the dr scanning said anything he was wiping tears from his eye. We were given the horrible news, and told we needed to go to the EPU for them to confirm- although they couldn’t fit us in until the next day.
We both went home, my husband spent most of that day in bed crying.

He is someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, but since then he hasn’t really shown much emotion. We went to the EPU the next day, they confirmed the news. They went through the different options and said we could think about it and make a decision at a later date. We had already decided we wanted to try and make some happy memories, so we spend the day together in Southport.
After a brief discussion we agreed I would have the op to remove the baby, I couldn’t bare to think about our poor little bean stuck any longer.
I phoned the EPU the next day and got an appointment for that afternoon. Husband was at work so couldn’t be with me, but he was allowed to visit after work. This was yesterday (Wednesday).

Today we spoke about the baby, like we have done every day. I bought a charm for my bracelet which arrived today, so we discussed if he wanted to do something to help remember (not that he will ever forget), but he didn’t want too.
Later, when we were getting into bed, I was showing him a memory box I had found and wanted to get (again something we had discussed and agreed on), I said he can put anything he wants in it, he could write a letter to the baby (something the bereavement leaflets recommended), he was fine chatting away. But then he went really quiet and said he was tired, he rolled over to face away and started to cry . When I tried to comfort him he pushed me off.

I know it’s all still very fresh/ raw as we are only on day 5 after the bad news, but I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him too much in talking about it a lot? I know everyone deals with grief differently, Neither of us have ever been through anything like this before- But I just wondered if anyone had any help or advice on how their partners coped with the grief?? I hate to think of him not able to talk to me, I tell him everything! I just want to help him and I’ll do whatever it is to do that. I feel more lost, to see him struggle!

Just to add, his twin sister is currently pregnant (with twins) who are due in jan, which was a month before our baby would have been due. His sister is one of the few people who knew we were expecting and he really loves being able to share the experience with her- as odd as that might sound.

Thank you for getting to the end- if you think you can offer even one bit of help/advice on how to support a partner I would really appreciate it. And sorry again for the super long post!
Hi Longshot

First to say I am so sorry for your loss 😔 you’ve both been through something very difficult and as you say you are at the start of dealing with your news. I’m no expert on your situation and how men cope (mine is more of a can’t change it move on type which I must say isn’t easy either) but I have a lot of experience with grief. I also happen to have a friend that’s a twin so thought I’d share a perspective on that too.

On the grief side, it is very early and it’s possible he’s transitioning from shock / numb / disbelief and into anger. This is normal and a necessary stage to grieve healthily but appreciate him pushing you off him will have hurt you and worried you. He may not know how he feels in a way ie battling the feelings as you’ve both lost something but you say it’s quite new to you having not been through this before. You can feel in a strange form of limbo sadly as you lost something that you hadn’t physically felt and means some are not sure how to display their emotions or how to get through the pain. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, want to be there for you etc, he’s just processing things, working through his grief and it is early days.

I definitely wouldn’t question if you’ve done things right so please put that out of your mind. You are two halves of a couple and you’re allowed to grieve the way you need to as well. It’s often harder for the lady as you have hormones and physical effects on top of it all so make sure you take care of yourself and have the support you need around you as well. That doesn’t mean it only needs to be your husband by the way. Not that you shut him out (!) but you may find someone else is better at comforting you right now so lean on them if you need to. You’ll get back to a supportive and communicative relationship between you I’m sure but everyone copes with grief on a different lifeline and having someone for you to talk to about everything, including concerns about your husband, may be important for you too. It’s the plane analogy, have to help yourself before you can help others 😉

Have you had a chance to ask him how he’s feeling now and if there is anything he wants to do or if he wants/needs anything from you right now? It’s good you have suggestions that you’re putting to him from previous chats but he may not be ready to actually do any of them as it means this is all really happening and symbolises the end. It doesn’t mean you can’t buy the memory box etc as it can be as much for you as him. He can then add to it if he wants to at a later stage. Is he talking to anyone else about this eg his twin? It’s hard if we aren’t the one they are talking to but it’s most important he has his support network and you have yours. You can then still talk daily or however often you want to but it takes the pressure off each of you in a way. It’s possible a professional counsellor could also help - assuming you’re with Care they should offer that free or charge (think you get 3 sessions?).

So I’d say focus on asking him what he needs and being led by that. Time reduces the rawness and he may also have just had a bad day and had enough too vs it being a trend.

Now to give a perspective on being a twin. My friend is a twin (boy girl too) and her brother was getting married, having kids etc and she really struggled throughout those stages. They’ve spent their whole lives together at exactly the same life stage and when life starts to move in a different direction, that can be really hard for the twin that’s ‘standing still’ too. I just thought I’d share that as with any sadness there can be different factors. This may not be something that is impacting him but as it was such a difficult thing for my friend, I thought it worth mentioning too. Also doesn’t help if they’re a competitive set of twins I might add ie if they compare each other a lot.

I’m not sure if any of this resonates but when you’re having a difficult time, I think sometimes just having someone reply can lift the spirits. Am sending lots of hugs to you as you come to terms with your loss, it was very cruel but you will come out the other side x

Ps the charm for your bracelet is a lovely idea. I have a little pewter acorn in a round pewter box with a heart on the top. I only had a biochemical but it hit me like a ton of bricks and still working through my feelings x


Thank you so much for the lovely message, it really means a lot. 😘😘
He has been speaking to his sister and his best mate, I have suggested he speaks to one of his other friends who’s wife has suffered a few miscarriages- they do have two children now.
The hospital have been really good and given us lots of support for bereavement, I haven’t actually heard anything from care as yet- but presume they just give you some time to process it.
Thanks again, and I hope you are doing ok xx
#1 Dec 20/ May 21: long journey but BFP 09.06.21 ❄️🥰🥳😱🥺
Our little beans heart stop beating at 7 weeks 5 days 😢😢 (found out at a scan 9weeks 1 day) it’s been pretty poo since!
#2 just waiting for a start date....

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