thinking of doing it alone

Trying for a family as a single parent?
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Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

thinking of doing it alone

#1 Post by Tally30 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:05 am

Hi
Is anyone thinking of embarking on IUI/IVF as a single?
I’ve had my consultation and initial tests at Care Tunbridge Wells. I have counselling this week but I’m feeling overwhelmed with so many decisions.
I don’t know anyone who has chosen the donor route as a single lady. So I don’t really have anyone to chat to about any of this and I’m feeling pretty alone. Either I feel I don’t want to share what’s going on, or people simply don’t understand.
I’m 41 and seeing I’ve still not met anyone I feel is anywhere near father material...I need to either do it alone or decide I will never have children.
Any of you ladies out there that have advice or stories to share...I’d really appreciate it :))

Lmills
Posts: 463
Joined: Fri Jan 27, 2017 6:48 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#2 Post by Lmills » Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:04 pm

Hi Tally,
I’m a 43 year old single lady currently sitting on my sofa with my 7 week old baby sleeping on my chest.
Like you, i’d had enough of meeting Mr Wrong’s and had to decide if I was going to go it alone or accept that I would never be a mum. What it came down to for me was that I knew I’d never regret having a baby but I would regret not trying when I had the chance.
It wasn’t easy getting this far and I’ll be honest, the first month of having my little girl was so much harder than I ever imagined it could be, but I don’t regret it for a moment.
I’m happy to answer any questions you might have or to just be a sounding board if you need one. I know it’s a giant leap to take but once I’d made the decision I felt much better.
Have you thought about joining the DCN Network? They have solo mum groups and plenty of people embarking on this journey. I met up with other ‘thinkers and tryers’ while I was going through treatment and it felt so liberating sitting around a table where everyone ‘gets it’. Something to consider.....
X
Jan 17 - OE/DS - BFP - MMC
Oct 17 - DE/DS - BFN
Nov 17 - DE/DS - BFN
Feb 18 - DE/DS - Immune drugs - BFN
Mar 18 - DE/DS - Immune drugs - 2 frosties - BFP!!!

mollymartha
Posts: 291
Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:39 am

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#3 Post by mollymartha » Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:07 pm

hi Tally30 I am a single lady aged 35 looking to start my iui journey I have been thinking about it for the last 3 - 4 years now but finally decided to take the plunge about 5 weeks ago very scary but exciting too!!! lots of factors going against me and lots of hurdles to overcome for me....im also in kent but not going through care so hope I am still allowed to chat / join the forum im desperate to chat to others in a similar position, am happy to meet for a coffee / chat to if you ever wanted to, no pressure though!! it is a huge huge decision and probably the biggest I have ever made so far in life very daunting and being alone its hard to find others to talk to/ trust/confide in/share worries etc like you I don't want the world and his wife to know something that is a very private and emotional subject as a lot of people at work just don't understand, and gossip, aside from my mum and dad who are both being hugely supportive i told no one until when I had my counselling session they advised confiding in someone at work if I felt I wanted to I chose 2 very close workmates to tell and they were both amazing kind and understanding , if they are true friends people will likely understand better than you may imagine. I am happy to chat more about iui and the whole rollercoaster of emotions that go with it and share it, remember we aren't alone and my clinic said the biggest number of clients they see are single ladies , I took the big step of ordering my sperm today ...anyway good luck in your journey it would be lovely to share more if you wish im very nervous but I know if I don't do it now I never will and as my mum says I don't want to look back in ten years time and wish I'd gone for it then, I wish I had started it years ago when I was younger but it wasn't meant to be as I only have this option now due to a family inheritance, I am trying to stay positive and take each day as it comes as I worry so much and I do believe if its meant to be, it will be , it can only be your decision which route you choose I do hope you have close friends and family to talk to and confide in and support you through these decisions, it really isn't easy but I send you huge amounts of positivity, strength and from another lady in your position I really hope everything goes well for you I really do share your worries and emotions
me : single lady 36 - donor sperm

iui natural cycle jan 19 BFN
iui natural cycle feb 19 BFN
iui natural cycle feb 19 BFN

ivf#1 stimmed for 8 days, EC 17/05 12 eggs 10 fertilised 7 blastocysts ET 22/05 1 top grade blast 6 frozen blasts OTD 03/06

Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#4 Post by Tally30 » Wed Jan 16, 2019 8:00 pm

Hi Lmills
Thank you for replying and congratulations on your baby!
I’m so sorry I hadn’t replied sooner. For some reason I’d asked for notifications if people replied and I didn’t get any.
Reading your post has certainly helped me.
I had counselling on Saturday which was fine so the next step is donor selection and then treatment plan.
Do you mind me asking if you had IUI or IVF and how many attempts it took?
I’m an accountant so my brain is professionally trained to be risk adverse. So seeing all the facts and figures they keep putting in front of me is making it very hard for me to consider losing 10s of thousands of pounds for potentially nothing. Especially when dealing with that expense and long term debt alone.
I wish money didn’t have to be a worry as worrying about embarking on IVF treatment, what society will think of me using a donor and taking a journey as a single mother is worry enough.
Everything is spinning in my head. Is that normal? I will look at DCN thank you
Hope you’re having a good week

Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#5 Post by Tally30 » Wed Jan 16, 2019 8:06 pm

Hi mollymartha
Thank you for replying to me and I’m absolutely certain you’re welcome on this forum even if you’re not using Care. I welcome you that’s for sure.
I would be happy to chat more and even meet for a coffee but I’m not sure how we can exchange details on here.
Really interested to see how your journey progresses.so exciting and scary all at the same time!!
I must apologise for not getting back sooner. My settings on this forum don’t seem to be working properly.
Look forward to an update

Lmills
Posts: 463
Joined: Fri Jan 27, 2017 6:48 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#6 Post by Lmills » Wed Jan 16, 2019 8:59 pm

Hi Tally30

Trust me, head spinning is definitely normal. There is so much to consider. Plus I think it shows that you wouldn’t be going into this lightly.
Easier said than done but I really would try not to worry about other people’s perceptions. I have honestly had nothing but admiration and positivity. People say I’m very brave (not sure about that!) and friends and family are genuinely so pleased for me.
I’ve always said it has to be better going into motherhood knowing you’re doing it alone rather than have the rug pulled out from under your feet further down the line if your relationship breaks down.
It is a lot of money and there are no guarantees unfortunately and only you can make that decision. I always said I’d only have one go but didn’t stick to that.
I had one round of ivf with my own eggs (had a missed miscarriage). A few months later I decided to go down the double donor route (something I’d said I’d never do), I paid for one round of treatment abroad and ended up with 7 blastocysts in the freezer. After that, I ‘just’ had to pay for FET’s and it was my 4th FET which gave me my little girl. So not cheap and not easy (although FET’s are much kinder to your body than a fresh IVF round) but worth every penny.
Not to make light of it but choosing a sperm donor was a little like internet dating if you’ve ever tried that....my friends were very happy to help with that part! ;-)
Let me know how you get in and if I can help answer any other questions.
X
Jan 17 - OE/DS - BFP - MMC
Oct 17 - DE/DS - BFN
Nov 17 - DE/DS - BFN
Feb 18 - DE/DS - Immune drugs - BFN
Mar 18 - DE/DS - Immune drugs - 2 frosties - BFP!!!

Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#7 Post by Tally30 » Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:34 am

Hi Lmills,
Wow thank you for sharing all that.
I’m so new to this that I had to google FET though ☺️
I’m not up to speed with the acronyms yet.
I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage at the start of your journey. That must have been hard.
Do you mind me asking whether it was your choice to start again with donor eggs or was it the doctors suggestion?
Donor eggs is something I’ve already said a definite no to, so if ivf fails with my own eggs after one go and they say I need to use donor eggs, I’m wondering whether it’s worth starting at all? I’m looking at the multi cycle deal offered by access fertility. Everything feels such a gamble...and I’m not a gambler 🤯
My brain then questions whether I really want this if I’m not willing to gamble. I’m my own worst enemy and with so much spinning in my head, I’m worried I’m gonna bail on this whole thing and then regret my decision!!
Urgh...it’s so hard. I’m feeling pretty hard done by this week. Feeling sorry for myself that Mr Right never showed and I’m left with all these decisions and money worries.
I need to have a chat with myself and pull myself together haha.
As for brave...you are very brave indeed.
I need some of that bravery at the moment. Xxx

Lmills
Posts: 463
Joined: Fri Jan 27, 2017 6:48 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#8 Post by Lmills » Fri Jan 18, 2019 11:35 am

Ah thank you Tally30.
It was my own decision to go down the donor egg route - my clinic didn’t even offer it. My AMH levels were low and I only got 3 mediocre embryos from the fresh round with my own eggs. I truly didn’t believe I would get pregnant (I’d never had any pregnancy scares in my life) so was very shocked to get a positive result. The miscarriage was hard and I vowed ‘never again’. However time is a great healer and a few months later I wanted a baby even more and after a lot of deliberation decided I wanted to maximise my chances as much as possible and minimise the risk of another miscarriage (although nothing is guaranteed).
Have you had your AMH levels checked yet?
Everyone is different and I have a friend who had successful IVF when she was a year older than me and her little boy is now 2 years old.
How about not seeing it so much as a gamble, more an opportunity to try to have a baby??
And maybe ask yourself if you spent the money and wasn’t successful, would you wish you hadn’t? Or if you don’t spend the money, will you always be wondering??
Try not to think too far ahead ( hard I know - I like to plan!). If you decide to go for it - do what is right for you and just take it step by step. You may well be successful first time (and I hope you are!) and if you’re not, think about next moves at that point. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Plus if you go for ivf, you may well get a few embryos which will give you a few chances.
Making all these decisions is one of the hardest parts of this process so I feel for you. X
Jan 17 - OE/DS - BFP - MMC
Oct 17 - DE/DS - BFN
Nov 17 - DE/DS - BFN
Feb 18 - DE/DS - Immune drugs - BFN
Mar 18 - DE/DS - Immune drugs - 2 frosties - BFP!!!

Tally30
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:14 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#9 Post by Tally30 » Fri Jan 18, 2019 12:00 pm

Hiya,
Thank you for writing back again.
My AMH level is low at 4.2 but everything else tested has come back better than expected.
However, AMH is the one they’re interested in.
I’ve been given IUI or IVF as options. One go at IVF would equal 3 goes at IUI. But I need to weigh up both options.
I too have never had a pregnancy scare whilst everyone else I know seems to have had a scare or unplanned pregnancy. I assumed I had something wrong with me and always thought that maybe that’s why I’d never been overly maternal or felt any urgent need to become a mother.
But my fertility consultant has said that’s not the case and if Mr Right showed up, he’d tell me to crack on the natural way.
I wish I could say if I spent that money and it didn’t work I wouldn’t regret it. But I think I would. The thought of being single with all that debt and nothing to show for it would really affect me.
You’re so right about thinking step by step. I wish I could stop thinking so far ahead and every possible outcome. Because I’m an accountant, I’m trained to be pessimistic with forecasting. Which is why I find it hard to be optimistic...especially with these odds.
I need to think first of all whether I go for IUI or IVF. Then work out whether I go for an access fertility multi cycle finance package or not.
I’m finding the more I’m thinking, the closer I am to bailing on the whole idea.
I might give the clinic a call today.
How did you find your experience abroad? Which country did you use?
You’ve been so helpful with your story and all your advice. Thank you so much xx

mollymartha
Posts: 291
Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:39 am

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#10 Post by mollymartha » Mon Jan 21, 2019 5:17 pm

Tally30 wrote:
Wed Jan 16, 2019 8:06 pm
Hi mollymartha
Thank you for replying to me and I’m absolutely certain you’re welcome on this forum even if you’re not using Care. I welcome you that’s for sure.
I would be happy to chat more and even meet for a coffee but I’m not sure how we can exchange details on here.
Really interested to see how your journey progresses.so exciting and scary all at the same time!!
I must apologise for not getting back sooner. My settings on this forum don’t seem to be working properly.
Look forward to an update

Hi again Tally, I hope you are well, thanks very much for taking the time to reply, its so lovely and reassuring to chat to others in the same boat, it can be such a lonely time but it really helps reading about others going though the same thing and you aren't alone in these tough decisions, thank you I m glad it is ok hopefully to be on here even though im not going through care, I would have considered it but I don't drive and my nearest clinics are Tunbridge wells or London I believe, bit of a trek! although at my clinic they do send you to London for iui, ivf, EC, ET and any actual procedures anyway but atleast I can get all of my blood tests , scans , counselling etc done locally to me, thanks for making me feel welcome I look forward to chatting to everyone, I have been browsing for quite a while now! yes if you are ever up for it that would be great to meet up if you fancy a chat/coffee/cake?! , as I said I don't drive but im not far from the Canterbury area and I have been down your way a few times to the Tunbridge theatre by train its not too bad a journey! how are you doing in your journey, I hope whatever you decide it is what you truly want, it really is such a hard decision to make, id been thinking about it for more than a few years now and it has taken alot of talking with my mum mainly, a lot of reading up on it all,. thinking , tears and what to do?? but im 110% sure I want to atleast try, I know what im going to find hardest is the failures, emotionally im dreading having to cope and deal with the upset and if it doesn't work how to get through the sadness and sense of grief/ loss....im trying to enjoy the time now before treatment when there Is still the tiniest bit of hope, even though for me it really would have to be an absolute miracle to work and literally a one in a million chance, I read a quote the other day "its better to try and fail, than fail to try" ....I know I will really regret It if I don't. yes it is all very exciting and scary , my head was totally spinning and it was very overwhelming especially after my first 2 appointments and it really does consume you, it is always on my mind and going around in my head! luckily what with Christmas and being busy at work im trying to keep my self distracted as much as I can! it is very easy to become obsessed! oh no, not at all no need to apologise about a late reply, I only know about replies if I check the threads and ive only just replied to you anyway! look forward to hearing how you are getting on and I hope you are getting plenty of help and support and guidance in the decision making, I was very emotional and teary the first few weeks but I think Im a bit calmer and sorted now! I think what will be, will be... best of luck to you in whatever the next stages are for you
me : single lady 36 - donor sperm

iui natural cycle jan 19 BFN
iui natural cycle feb 19 BFN
iui natural cycle feb 19 BFN

ivf#1 stimmed for 8 days, EC 17/05 12 eggs 10 fertilised 7 blastocysts ET 22/05 1 top grade blast 6 frozen blasts OTD 03/06

smithk11
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:26 pm
Contact:

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#11 Post by smithk11 » Fri May 31, 2019 9:47 am

Hello
I know that this is an old post but just wanted to add my story for any single mums to be out there! I decided to go it alone after not meeing anyone at the age of 33. My first round of IVF was a freeze all due to other issues and I had two frozen blastocysts. I then had 2 FETs - the first was a BFN and the second was a chemical pregnancy. I then changed clinic and they did tests which found I had possible APS so I did another fresh cycle but with clexane and aspirin. I had 3 blastocysts from this cycle. I had one put back in November and the rest is history! I now have a 10 month old baby boy. I have absolutely no regret. He has enriched my life so much. I am now hoping to do a FET to try for a sibling for him. Any questions please feel free to ask!
1st IVF - freeze all due to OHSS
FET 1 - BFN
FET 2 - Chemical pregnancy
Bloods showed APS - started clexane.
2nd IVF - 1 blastocyst transferred - BFP!! DS born 2018
2 frozen embies on ice

Daisy2206
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:12 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#12 Post by Daisy2206 » Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:48 pm

Congratulations Smithk11 on your little one!
Would love to talk more😊

smithk11
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:26 pm
Contact:

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#13 Post by smithk11 » Sat Jun 01, 2019 6:16 pm

Hi Daisy

Thank you! I'm happy to talk. I'm just trying to figure out if I can PM you!
1st IVF - freeze all due to OHSS
FET 1 - BFN
FET 2 - Chemical pregnancy
Bloods showed APS - started clexane.
2nd IVF - 1 blastocyst transferred - BFP!! DS born 2018
2 frozen embies on ice

smithk11
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:26 pm
Contact:

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#14 Post by smithk11 » Sat Jun 01, 2019 8:55 pm

Hi Daisy
Can't seem to PM you?
1st IVF - freeze all due to OHSS
FET 1 - BFN
FET 2 - Chemical pregnancy
Bloods showed APS - started clexane.
2nd IVF - 1 blastocyst transferred - BFP!! DS born 2018
2 frozen embies on ice

Daisy2206
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:12 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#15 Post by Daisy2206 » Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:14 am

Not sure how to either Smithk11, what a shame
Best of luck with your next FET, hope you’ll share your success when you get it :D

Daisy2206
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:12 pm

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#16 Post by Daisy2206 » Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:19 am

I’ve asked admin how to do it/ if it’s possible

smithk11
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:26 pm
Contact:

Re: thinking of doing it alone

#17 Post by smithk11 » Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:55 pm

Hi Daisy if you click on my profile there should be an email address you can contact me on! Xx
1st IVF - freeze all due to OHSS
FET 1 - BFN
FET 2 - Chemical pregnancy
Bloods showed APS - started clexane.
2nd IVF - 1 blastocyst transferred - BFP!! DS born 2018
2 frozen embies on ice

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