February 2WW

[AmericanGirl]

It was negative. Back to square one. This process is heartbreaking.

[klo88]

Hey, oh I’m so so sorry I'm sending a massive virtual hug your way. How’s your MIL?

[AmericanGirl]

She is better than Sunday, but still not good. My husband and his brothers are talking about stopping her treatment and moving on to end of life care, which is hard.

Do you know anyone whose been to another clinic besides Care?

[klo88]

Oh that’s tough, I’m sorry you are all having go go through this.
I know someone who used a surrogate but I’m not sure what clinic they used, I will find out and let you know!
How you doing?

[AmericanGirl]

I’m a little numb to be honest. I’m not sure if I’ve gotten so efficient at processing my emotions that I’m done or if I’ve just been through this so many times that I don’t feel it anymore or if it’s my body’s defense mechanism. Or maybe that we’re all worried about my MIL so it’s not about my emotions anymore. I have a therapy session tomorrow so hopefully I can process more then.

That would be great if you could ask your friend what clinic she went to, thanks!

[klo88]

How did your session go? Have you been able to process it more?
I completely understand what you mean though, i got to that point where I just shut off my emotions.
I haven’t spoken to my friend yet but I will

[AmericanGirl]

My session was good. And today I had lunch with the head of my department who I recently found out went through IVF years ago to have her 2 sons, so it was nice to talk to her and hear about her IVF journey. Do you know anyone else who has been through IVF?

[klo88]

Hey, how are you doing?
I’ve asked about the clinic just waiting to hear back.
I’ve heard really good reviews on the Londons women’s clinic but I know that’s not local for you.
I don’t actually know anyone who’s had IVF, well not have they’ve said they have. I know friends of friends who are trying but don’t know directly.

[klo88]

Fertility Plus is who my friend used

https://www.fertilityplus.org.uk/

[AmericanGirl]

Thanks for asking! Does that friend live in London cause that one’s in London too? I don’t know how people have clinics that are far away, you have to be there sooo often during treatment! I’m pretty sure we are going with one called TFP Nurture Nottingham.

Honestly, I’m not doing good. My husband has been spending most of his time including sleeping over at his Mum’s, which of course he should do because she need the help and he doesn’t know how much time she has left, but it leaves me alone and I’m spiraling a bit. My anxiety seems to be really bad at the minute or maybe it’s just that my husband isn’t here to help me manage it. I’m thinking about seeing a GP to see if they can offer medication. I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life but it’s been worse obviously recently and I don’t want to get like I was as a teenager again, when it was at its worst. I also know anti-anxiety drugs are not meant to be taken when pregnant usually but I wonder if my anxiety is impacting the success of IVF beside they always tell me to “not stress” which seems like the stupidest thing anyone can say in that situation. I’ve tried talk therapy, maybe medication is the answer.

[klo88]

No they aren’t in London so must of been a trek for them!
Are you feeling any better? It’s a lot for you to process at the moment, I can imagine the anxiety on top isn’t helping. Have you tried listening to a podcast or some mindfulness? I set aside 10 mins 3 x a day for some mindfulness, just to concentrate on my breathing and switch off from everything also positive affirmation - I stuck post its around with “I will be a mummy soon” and other messages - I can’t remember where I read it now but it made me think more positive if I wasn’t feeling particularly positive!

[AmericanGirl]

What mindfulness things do you listen to?

I don’t think I want to do the post it’s because I honestly don’t know if I’m going to be a mommy soon, it could be years and years yet. We’re going to try IVF for at least another year or two and if we have to go down the adoption route, that’s another couple years probably.

Thanks for the suggestions though.

[klo88]

I used an app called Balance it was a meditation and sleep one but had loads of stuff on there.
You can write all sorts of notes it doesn’t have to say soon, you could say “one day”. Just write some positive notes and pop them around the house so you see them. I had one on the bathroom mirror, the fridge etc. they especially helped during the TWW. I found I got a bit negative during it so helped me try and stay positive. How are yo feeling today? Do you have anymore counselling sessions?

[AmericanGirl]

I’ll give the app a try. I’ll have a think about the notes. When my husband is around, that’s pretty much what he does. I’m ok now, I got the spend the last two nights and most of the day with my husband, which really helps my mental health. I shouldn’t rely on him so much but really he just needs to be around and it helps. But that’s part of why I’m getting more help, so I can manage things independently.

The counseling is through private healthcare so I have unlimited.

How are things with you and willow?

[klo88]

You need someone to lean on when you are going through this. People don’t realise how tough it is, mentally, physically and emotionally. It takes its toll and sometimes just having someone there is a big help!
That’s good about the private healthcare.
We are ok thank you, her sleep seems to have gone backwards (typical as I’m due back to work soon) I thought it was the 4 month regression initially but she’s almost 6 months now. Then she suddenly went from 4 naps a day to 2. So I’m now working on her having at least 3 naps. Tonight I managed to get her to go to sleep in the cot without me holding her. I did have to hold her hand and sing “you are my sunshine” about 10,000 times but we got there in the end I just hope she settles again after her feed. Her new habit is waking up, feeding and not settling unless she’s in my bed which isn’t ideal at all!
I have her appointment on Wednesday about the weaning ladder for the milk allergy.
Do you have an appointment lined up with the new clinic or are you having a break?

[AmericanGirl]

That’s not ideal about her sleep. I hope you can figure it out soon, cause sleep deprivation is tough.

We are waiting for the NHS to send the referral paperwork to the new clinic we chose. I spoke to them last Wednesday and they said they would send it within a week but they couldn’t vouch for how long it would take the clinic to contact me to schedule the initial appointment. I’ll follow up later this week.

You do need people to lean on through this process, but it’s hard with the other stuff going on. I don’t want to be so dependent, you know?

[klo88]

Hey, how you doing?
How is your MIL?
The sleep seems to of improved dramatically since I started weaning her! She did 9.5hrs straight the other night, had a feed and went straight back down in the cot!
Any updates on the referral?

[AmericanGirl]

That’s good about Willow!

My MIL is the same as she’s been for nearly 3 weeks, so I guess in some ways that’s good. The oncologist told us we have weeks left, maybe months, and that she won’t get better but she could stay at this level kind of indefinitely, so no change is the best we can hope for. It’s really hard on us all though obviously.

Still waiting on the referral to go through. I tried to chase it on Thursday but was told just to wait a bit longer, so I’ll chase more this week.

Did I tell you hematology called to make an appointment? I guess the NHS fertility department referred us for more thrombophilia and other blood tests, so maybe they could have more information too. That’s not until 8 April though.

[klo88]

Hey how you doing?
Any news on the referral yet?
That’s great news about the blood tests although annoying about the wait time. It will be here before you know it though!

[AmericanGirl]

Yeah, we have an appointment for April 29 with a new consultant, after updated scans and semen analysis and obviously more bloods (do the needles ever stop???). It’s a bit annoying to wait but we wanted to see the lead consultant so we did it to ourselves a bit.

I also saw the GP today and get a prescription for anti-anxiety tablets, so we’ll see how that goes. She said it can take up to 8 weeks to kick in, but it could be just in time for our next try.

How are you? Did you take advantage of the sunshine this weekend?

[klo88]

Hey how are you doing?
That’s great news about the appointment and additional tests. I’d like to say the needles stop but I ended up with GDM so was injecting 4 times a day up until she arrived!
How are you feeling on the meds, ok so far?
I’m ok thank you, scary how quickly my return to work is approaching. I had my Grandma’s 80th birthday meal which was nice but I think Willow was a bit overwhelmed as there was a lot of us! Did you have a nice weekend?